Coming back from a wee painting hiatus, if you will…

There's some sorting through that I'd like to do this week.

Some sorting through and a very gnarly knotted neck/back pain-thing. 

Ouch. 

And the question for me is – how?

How do I want to sort through this? 

The gnarly neck pain-thing kindof forced me to stop in my tracks yesterday.  

Cause it hurt too much to keep doing what I was doing. 

So I stopped and did the only thing that seemed like it might help.  I painted.  

I came back from a painting sabbatical that I had been on, and I painted. 

Now here’s the thing, which is indicative of how some other things have been internalized by me. 

I just called it a sabbatical – when the way I really perceive it is like this:  “My arms were hurting, I couldn’t paint.  It’s not good that I couldn’t paint.  And also I prioritized web-design work over painting during my time in Canada.  I’m a bit of an idiot.  I can’t take care of myself properly and I got myself into this pickle because of that.” 

Again, ouch. 

That isn’t very nice, and is very, very different from something along the lines of “um, yes, I chose to take a little sabbatical.  A wee hiatus, if you will….”

Must I be so mean to myself?  Must I put things in this perspective? 

Which, nicely segues into my next topic. 

How I perceive things, often, in general. 

I’ve mentioned this before.  It’s not entirely new.  In fact it’s really, really old.  But that’s okay too (said the voice of kindness). 

The question of perception is about allowing things to actually be the thing that needed to happen, as opposed to the thing that happened because I f****ed up in some way that is all my fault and a failure on my part that I should have avoided. 

Boy, saying it, or rather typing it out loud is a bit shocking. 

Cause it’s the way that the internal stuff often goes down for me. 

And I realized, as I painted yesterday, and processed a particular batch of fear-balls that were arising, that unless I decide to honour what has happened and the choices that I’ve made, I’m going to get stuck in the past. 

And I’m going to get stuck in a place that doesn’t allow me to move forward and be the me now who made certain choices then, but is a different me now and can make different choices than I did back then… if I choose to, of course.   

This is called forgiveness, isn’t it? 

I have this image in my head of a character who looks at this stuff, who looks at me and the choices I made two years ago – it’s an elderly woman, someone who’s lived, someone who’s tried things and had unexpected results, someone who lived bravely… she’s looking at me, flips her hand back and says “anh” – in this kind of whatever lady, just let it go kind of a way. 

Que sera, sera. 

So I’m moving towards that place…  and towards making future choices based on seeing past choices in a kinder way.  

And opening up a space for the fear-balls – on the canvas, and opening up a space in my body to make choices based on openness, deep breaths and my heart. 

Choices that come from a me who honours the old choices and a me that has learned from them.    

And it feels really good to be painting again.  

Thanks fear/neck/gnarly balls! 

And lest I forget... Holiday gift-giving bliss… 

The Christmas gift certificate thing.  

The puppies…  um, I mean, the drawings!   A reminder for you…  

They’re available.  

They’re an awesome gift.  

They’re here:  The "drawings are kind of like puppies metaphor"... (bear with me, I can explain...)

: : : : : : : :

And another on this topic of directing kindness towards past choices:  Anger + Grief:  We Can Do Some Crazy Things When Death or Loss Seems Immanent.   

Tweet