Part 2 of: What the fear-ball lodged in the back of my neck was trying to tell me...

In Part 1: of What the fear-ball lodged in the back of my neck was trying to tell me, the fear-ball told me to paint. 

Which I did.  Cheers all around! 

And while I was painting, the fear-balls led me to the idea that it would probably be wise if I stopped perceiving the past as a series of poor choices, and instead perceived it as oh, I don’t know – okay, and totally acceptable given the information and resources that I had available at the time or even cool!  I jumped in and lived – I experimented… I tried.. I followed my heart…  it failed.. que sera sera! 

All of which is much kinder. 

The thing I’m learning is that unless I’m able to do this I’m going to have a hard time moving forward and letting who I am now (which is not the same person as who I was then) inform the choices that I make.   

And plus, seeing the past as a series of poor choices doesn’t feel particularly good for my sense of self in the present. 

So. Moving on….

Right.  So I painted.  Which helps the information to flow. 

And a bunch of it came in – information that is. 

One of which was this phrase:  There is enuf time and there is enuf money.  (spelled according to how it came out on the canvas.) 

Which came out when I finally let myself really feel the pain in my neck.  When I stopped trying to mitigate it and wish it away I could actually feet it. 

And goddamn it hurt. 

And goddamn it I’m saying that out loud. 

It hurt.  Another breakthrough.  For the back story read this:  Anger + Grief...

And then I softened a bit around it, and started wondering what else it had to say. 

I admitted the pain and then I asked it to speak. 

Which prompted the sneaking suspicion that the fear of being who I was as opposed to who I am now was causing a whole lot of this tension. 

And that the person who I am now, would be much better off if I was able to come from an open-hearted place. 

You know, like making decisions from a place of abundance. 

From a place of trust. 

From a place of connecting to my heart instead of letting all the fear do the talking. 

Cause the fears are valid – but we’ll talk about that next time…  

The place that I would like to come from…

I don’t want to come from an emaciated place of scarcity.  I want to feel, really feel that there is enough time and enough money and enough space.  I want my higher self to speak – the knowing self, and I want to be able to access that place in me. 

Which, nicely brings this full circle, because that’s what painting helps me to do. 

And additionally nice, was this quote of Einstein’s that a friend read to me this weekend:    

“The distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion”

Preliminary stuff:

So.  This week’s experiment: 

If I move slower, and remember to breathe…  if I infuse spaciousness and slowness into my days, can I jump off the wheel of “there’s never enough time?” into a place of ahhhh…  and ease… and empty-fullness? 

And, lest we forget…

The puppies!   Christmas is just around the corner.   (Holy soon-ness batman!)

If you’ve been debating, or waiting, or whatever – doing the things that we all do, now’s a great time to cozy up to that sneaking suspicion that your loved one would dearly appreciate a personalized drawing! 

They don’t have to decide anything now…  Cause we’ve got gift certificates! 

They’re here:  The drawings are kind of like puppies metaphor...